Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Goodbyes

In less than two weeks, I will pack my things and move to Arizona. Bye bye Bay Area. I don't think that I am fully aware of what this will mean, yet. Leaving the kind of friends you don't find every day and everywhere and a place I thought was home. Leaving California and all it's beauty and benefits. But I don't really have a choice here and it does feel right. Albeit an incredibly sadness I have to move on.

A few things happened since I finished my trip. The day I came home, I felt so lost. The neighbors had moved out and the garage was almost empty and clean so I hardly recognized it when I drove inside. They had taken Chewy, their cat with them so he didn't come running like he always did after I returned from a long trip. And when I walked into the apartment, my skin started itching because of the two new kittens who lived there now. These guys were hiding under the couch for a few hours before their curiosity and hunger, I assume, drove them into the kitchen. And while it lightened my mood to play with them and watch them, it also made me itch more. Not to mention miss Chewy even more.

It didn't feel like home at all. After having been away for such a long time, it didn't even smell like me, anymore. I didn't know what to do to help me come home. Feel home. Home. I wondered where that was now? 

In order for you to be able to follow from here I need to tell you a story that I did not include in my blog. And it's the reason why I didn't write as much as I could have written along the way. I am not going to write about it in detail, given that many of you already know what has happened. Long story short, I met a guy while I was in Phoenix and after I had left, we spent hours on the phone every day, I flew back to see him twice, and now I am going to move to Arizona to be with him. My sarcastic and rational self who doesn't believe that love like this exists, keeps looking at me with a raised eyebrow and asks "Who are you and what did you do to Eva?" But that is what happened and it feels like nothing ever has before. With every phone call and every time I see him, it keeps getting better and better (sarcastic self is about to barf). I don't really know how to describe it and I still can't quite believe that we've met and feel the same way about each other. 

Now, I had made the decision to leave the city even before my departure. I just didn't know where to. And I am sure that Arizona will only be a temporary solution for a few years. But I'm excited to explore the nature, go hiking, backpacking and ride my bike. And live in a quiet suburb with a view of cacti and coyotes. Avoid the heat in summer and enjoy the weather during the rest of the year. 

As I couldn't shut up my sarcastic self completely, I wanted to spend all of August with him to see if we could live together. Before I made the decision to give up my place and leave. A week before my departure, however, my father called and told me that my mother, who had been battling cancer for the last two years, had gotten a lot worse. They had sent her home a few weeks ago and I had only talked to her on the phone the weekend before. So I booked a flight and hoped that she would still be alive when I got there. She wasn't. I left Wednesday evening and she died Thursday morning while I was still on the plane to Zurich, watching a huge northern light over Greenland, staying on my side for hours.

My mom died. She's gone and will never come back. And just like that, everything else became irrelevant. From Zurich I flew to Frankfurt, got a rental car and drove to my home town. Where my brother and father opened the door. We spent the rest of the evening with a bottle of wine in the kitchen, remembering her. Every moment, I expected her to come into the kitchen, asking us what we were doing, sitting there. But she didn't. She would never walk into that kitchen again. We all felt like crying but none of us did. We knew that, if we started, we wouldn't be able to stop.

I don't want to write more about it. It hurts and it is going to hurt for a while. It doesn't help that I see my mom's face every single time I look in the mirror. But I know that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. And that helps. And I feel her with me all the time. At times, I can even see her sitting somewhere, mostly on a cloud or just somewhere in the air, floating. I can hear her laugh or comment on what is happening. And I love that. When I am really sad and feel overwhelmed, I can even feel her hug me tightly to make me feel better. And something else happened, that made it feel less painful. My father had sent out mail to family and friends to tell them she died and let them know then the date the wake would happen. My mom's half siblings with most of whom she hadn't been in contact with in over 20 years, came to the funeral. Loyal as I am, I never thought of reaching out to any of them, myself. But when I saw them again, I was so glad to know that my family is bigger than I thought. It felt like even though, I had lost my mom, I had regained some uncles and aunts. A few more people who knew her and who I can exchange memories with.

There are three and a half more months left in this year. I am not sure I could take any more big events. I just want to settle in, enjoy the quiet life in the suburbs for a while and plan my life in Arizona. 












2 comments:

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  2. I know its hard to explain but that is what finding your soulmate is like. It took you traveling cross country to find him. I am so happy for you. You are an incredible person and I will miss you. I can relate to your loss and I am so sorry for your painful loss. When the storm calms, I hope that the love that surrounds you brings sunshine in your life. As they say in the west....Happy Trails my friend!

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