Tuesday, April 5, 2016

How Does It Feel?

It's been almost three weeks now since I left my job. Three weeks without work. Three weeks where I did not have to get up in the morning. Where I had no where to be and nothing to do. How does that feel? Well, for one, I have been trying to chase away the bad conscience that is constantly trying to tell me that I have to do something. That I have to figure out what to do next or get up, work out, be  active, travel, meet people, or at least, write something every day.

It is harder than you'd think to ignore that voice. We've been conditioned to do something. Idleness is frowned upon. We are expected to be productive and contribute to society. Anything else causes us to feel bad. So, my current goal is to learn how to ignore that voice. To be clear, I am not going to sit on my couch for the rest of my life. That mere thought is horrific for a lot of other reasons than just how doing that would be regarded by society. But, similar to the days after a marathon or a hard exam, I need to rest and reset. And that's what I'm trying to do now.

It's a very interesting feeling to not have to think or worry about work for a change. I've always done that. Think about work. Or school. Not because of the sheer amount of work, that was really never an issue. More because, like I mentioned in my last post, I never thought I did a good job. Every minute I thought, someone would point a finger at me and yell "What is she doing here?! She doesn't belong here. Fire her! That fraud!" They never did.

I didn't really manage to do nothing. Right now I am in Germany. Visiting my family and my friends. It's a very nice experience to be here for longer. Without jet lag and without having to work and with a lot of time on my hands. Finally, I am patient enough to spend more time with my nieces and not to get pissed off all the time by the rest of my family. And spend more than a few hours with my friends. And even meet new people. And I can enjoy this place. My home. Where I grew up. The nature, the green hills, the old frame houses, some of them lovingly restored. Castles and parks everywhere. The birds, singing in the trees to welcome spring. Actual spring. Spring that takes a while so you can enjoy it.

And that is the most precious part of not working. You have time. There is no schedule for you to follow. You can walk where you used to drive. You can stop and smell roses or watch deer grazing on a field. You can just sit in one place and stare at the wall (or something more scenic) and either follow your thoughts or have no thoughts at all. And then you feel it. You feel how all the weight falls off your shoulders. How every muscle in your body and particularly your brain finally realizes that it's time to relax and let go. That there is no need to hold on and keep going for a little while. That they have finally time to take a well deserved rest.

Only to come back stronger and tougher soon!